Feels Like Fire

  feels like fire

  a novel

  nicole feller

  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  one

  two

  three

  four

  five

  six

  seven

  eight

  nine

  ten

  eleven

  twelve

  thirteen

  fourteen

  fifteen

  sixteen

  seventeen

  eighteen

  nineteen

  twenty

  twenty-one

  twenty-two

  twenty-three

  twenty-four

  twenty-five

  twenty-six

  twenty-seven

  twenty-eight

  twenty-nine

  thirty

  thirty-one

  thirty-two

  thirty-three

  thirty-four

  thirty-five

  thirty-six

  thirty-seven

  thirty-eight

  thirty-nine

  forty

  forty-one

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Let’s be friends!

  Also by Nicole Feller

  Copyright © 2019 by Nicole Feller

  www.nicolefeller.com

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, locales, business establishments, companies, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be redistributed or reproduced in any written, electronic, or scanned form without written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in articles or reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  Song lyric written by FOXKEEPER

  Used by permission.

  www.foxkeeper.com

  Line editing by Tanya Gold

  www.tanyagold.com

  Cover design by Nicole Feller

  Cover images by Annie Spratt and Kelly Austin // www.unsplash.com

  Title font by Sinikka Li // www.instagram.com/itssinikka

  ISBN: 0-9903644-7-X

  ISBN 13: 978-0-9903644-7-4

  Printed in the United States of America

  For my brothers: Ron, Shaun, and Sam

  Because of them, I know full well the blessing of a

  brother—three times over.

  I’m not “a rose among the thorns,” but a rose among more roses.

  “I’m gonna keep on loving you

  The beautiful film of our lives always on replay

  I’m praying I can save all these memories.”

  - FOXKEEPER

  one

  Casey

  I wish I’d held him a little longer.

  I wish I could remember if I kissed him goodbye.

  It feels like it’s been days—not mere hours—since Lucas nudged me awake, the way he does every morning before he leaves for work. This morning, our exchange was a bit rushed because he’d overslept. We shouldn’t have stayed up so late last night.

  My chest tightens as I recall our date night and I scrape for every sensory detail of being with him. I memorize what he was wearing—black jeans and his favorite button-down with the short sleeves rolled how he always does them. He smelled like the tropical body wash I bought last week, mixed with his sweet cologne and that scent that’s just plain Lucas—familiar and comforting.

  I close my eyes and I can still hear how infectious his laughter was as he whisked me down the sidewalk downtown. His fresh haircut had made him look extra handsome, as if that were even possible. And I fell in love with him all over again last night. Like I do most nights.

  But now it’s today and everything is different. Nothing about anything feels the same. Nothing is okay.

  “Casey?”

  My head snaps automatically in the direction of the voice, and the downtown sights and sounds I’ve been trying to hold onto are replaced by the cold, sterile air and the hardness of the plastic chair that’s been the only thing keeping me from collapsing to the polished linoleum. Only now do I notice the bustle of the busy hallway I’ve been sitting in. The buzzing fluorescent light above me is suddenly too bright and my head hurts.

  How long have I been here waiting? And what am I waiting for exactly? For all of this to be a dream so I can have my life back? So I can wake up to Lucas’s smile and have one more chance to say I love you?

  “Casey…” Lucas’s mother. Victoria. She’s looking at me with puffy, bloodshot eyes. She inches closer, wringing her hands like she’s afraid I’m too fragile to be spoken to. “Are you ready to go?”

  Her eyes shift to my hands and widen, and then I’m following her gaze. My hands are wrapped tightly around Lucas’s cell phone and they’re covered in blood.

  I remember one of the nurses bringing the phone to me. I must have been absent-mindedly clutching it, rubbing my fingers against the shattered screen. I hadn’t even noticed the sharp glass cutting into my skin and that scares me.

  Victoria flags someone down and I’m led to a small exam room. A nurse uses tweezers to remove tiny fragments of glass from my cuts. Then he cleans and bandages my fingers, telling me to be more careful. I hardly hear him. I’m not listening. I’m not here.

  My heart, my mind, my soul are outside of my body, tearing through the halls of this hospital searching for the heart that no longer beats, the mind that has ceased its brilliant thoughts, the soul that has left the beautiful shell it inhabited only hours ago. My chest rises and falls, faster and faster until I think I might faint.

  The nurse brings in Victoria and my stinging hands are gripping her forearms before I even realize I’ve jumped out of my chair.

  “Where is he?” I choke, my own voice sounding foreign. “I have to see him.”

  Victoria’s lip trembles as she shakes her head. “You can’t…” Her broken reply is barely a whisper and I pretend I don’t hear her.

  “Come on, let’s go. I want to see Lucas. Take me to him, you know where he is.” I try to pull her toward the door.

  “Casey,” she pleads, taking my face in her hands. “You don’t want to see. Please trust me, sweetie.”

  The nausea returns and my knees can no longer support my weight. I can’t breathe. “No...no, I need him.”

  A panic rises from deep inside me. I rip the door open and stumble into the hallway. This isn’t real. This isn’t happening. Wake up, Casey.

  “Where’s Lucas?” I cry as Victoria tries to intercept me. “Lucas! LUCAS!”

  I scream his name like I no longer have control over my own vocal chords. My throat is raw and my voice is growing hoarse but I can’t stop. Nurses surround me, forced to drag me into seclusion as my wails ricochet off the colorless walls.

  ∞∞∞

  It’s late afternoon by the time Victoria leads me up the long walk to the front door of her Kenwood home. I can hardly remember the fit I threw at the hospital, like it was a dream. Like all of this feels like a dream. A nightmare. I do remember begging Victoria not to take me home. I can’t bear to set foot in our house, the little bungalow I’ve shared with Lucas for the past four months. The last place we were together. The last place we’ll ever be together again.

  I choke back renewed sobs as Victoria lets me into the house ahead of her. I think she’s afraid I’ll crumble into a mess of broken pieces if she doesn’t assist my every move. I’ve already crumbled though, just on the inside where no one can see. But I can
feel it. Oh, do I feel it.

  “Can I get you anything?” she asks once I’m safely seated on the living room couch.

  I shake my head, my eyes fixed on the window across from me. I know there are family photos adorning the mantel, the end tables, the walls, and I’m afraid to see them, to see him. I’m not ready to see that Lucas smile he’ll never give me again.

  “Casey, honey, you haven’t had anything to eat or drink all day.”

  “I’m fine.” Last night was the last time I ate. Date night with Lucas. I’m sobbing again before I can even attempt to hold it back.

  Victoria is beside me on the couch, pulling me to her. Her body shakes as she gently rocks me like she’s my mother and not Lucas’s. Suddenly I feel guilty for how many times she’s had to hold me together today.

  I pull away, wiping the tears from my face. “I’m so sorry.”

  Her lip trembles and her sad, brown eyes pool. “I know, honey. Me too.”

  I drop my gaze. “No, I mean…I’m sorry about me. I’ve been so selfish today.”

  Victoria’s tears fall and she gives my hand a squeeze. “Oh, Casey, don’t say that.”

  “Well, who’s been comforting you?”

  She reaches out and tucks an unruly strand of hair behind my ear. She swallows a sob, but I wish she’d just let it out before mine escapes.

  “No one can comfort me, sweetie,” Victoria says, her breath hitching.

  My face contorts and I let myself fall back to her, my ugly cry muffled against her as hers reverberates through me. We hold each other until we calm down, Victoria all the while stroking my hair.

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t let you see him,” she says. “But I hope you believe me when I say it’s better that way.”

  I’m frozen in place against her, holding my breath. The nausea is back. I have to force myself to ask the question I’ve been too afraid to hear the answer to.

  “Victoria? What…happened to Lucas?”

  She jerks back to look at me, like she’s afraid to see I’ve lost my mind. “Honey, you know what happened. I told you about the truck. You know he was hit.”

  I sigh. “That’s the only thing I do know…but how did it happen? Where was he? What exactly made him die? No one would tell me because I’m not family.”

  Victoria bites her bottom lip and looks away, a new darkness settling over her. I can tell by her silence that the explanation is too heavy right now, too painful and too ugly to say out loud. Hearing it herself—seeing the evidence of it with her own eyes—must have been horrifying enough. So I don’t push when she stands up and heads into the kitchen.

  A few moments later, I hear her on the phone ordering a Hawaiian pizza. Lucas must’ve told her it’s my favorite.

  ∞∞∞

  Victoria went to bed about an hour ago, after a slew of her siblings, nieces, and nephews had come and gone. I’ve been sitting on the couch, glued to the leather beneath me like I’ve become a part of it. Whatever it takes to not have to go up to Lucas’s old room.

  It’s been four months since I’ve been in that room, since I helped Lucas move out of this house. We’d only been dating seven months when we decided it was time to move in together. I can easily remember Lucas tossing things into boxes, too excited to be organized for once, going on about how we’d decorate our home, animated and alive like he always is…was.

  I wonder if it’s true that you can die from a broken heart. If you can, I think I might.

  I finally force myself off the couch. My bare feet carry me quietly past Victoria’s room and up the creaky, wood stairs. I don’t bother searching for the hallway light switch. My old self would be afraid to navigate the darkness, but my new self is much too numb to worry about imaginary monsters. Instead, I’m chin-deep in my greatest fear, about to sink below the surface and drown in the grief that’s saturating my bones.

  When I reach Lucas’s door, I can’t breathe. It’s as if my lungs actually are filling with water or agony or whatever it is my life has become in the span of fourteen hours. I stumble inside the room and close the door behind me. Although it’s faint, I swear I can smell him. My stomach clenches, heaving sobs that my body can barely handle as I stagger to the bed and collapse. I bury my wet face in the pillow to stifle my cries, and I suck in Lucas’s fading scent with each labored breath.

  Right now, I wish I could die with him.

  ∞∞∞

  I roll over with a groan. My head throbs. My arm automatically reaches out to my right, but it drops to the vacant space beside me on the mattress. When I force my swollen eyelids open, my surroundings aren’t what I was expecting. I sit up so fast, the entire room spins, and the pain in my head intensifies.

  And then I remember.

  Gripping the sheets covering the empty space, I relive the last twenty-four hours and shatter the temporary solace of sleep. All over again, Lucas has died.

  I’m certain my aching head can’t take a new wave of tears. Lying back down, I pull the quilt up over me to block out the early morning light. I focus on taking deep breaths as my eyes fall closed.

  ∞∞∞

  Lucas is looking at me from across our bed like he’s waiting for an answer. His left eyebrow rises slowly, a sly, sleepy smirk spreading across his lips.

  “So, what do you say?” he asks, sliding closer to me.

  I toy with a strand of dark hair that rests against his forehead. “About what?”

  Lucas smiles and I touch the cute dimple that appears in his cheek.

  “You and me, ignoring our obligations, staying in bed all day.”

  Chuckling, I snuggle into him. His skin is so soft and warm against mine.

  “That sounds like the perfect day,” I say.

  His arms wrap tightly around me and I can hear his heart beating beneath my ear.

  Lucas’s heart is beating.

  He’s here.

  He’s with me.

  I can feel him.

  My fingers find the familiar scar on his side from a skateboarding injury when he was a teenager.

  I can smell him. The tropical body wash and remnants of last night’s cologne.

  This is our bed, our room, our house. I can see the crack in the plaster ceiling above us.

  It makes so much sense now. It was all a nightmare, a premonition. And now I know—if Lucas stays right here, there won’t be an accident today. He won’t leave me. Maybe God was looking out for us, sending me a warning through a dream.

  Because there simply cannot exist a reality where Lucas and I aren’t together.

  A deep relief settles over me as I blink away grateful tears. It feels like a second chance, a new beginning.

  “Lucas?”

  He exhales softly and I savor the sound of his breath.

  “Yeah, babe?”

  “I love you.” I say it with conviction, enunciating each word with as much affection as I can convey.

  He laughs and kisses my head. “I love you too, Casey.”

  “Promise me you’ll never leave?”

  Lucas pulls back to look at me, his hazel eyes narrowing. Taking my hand, he places it on his chest, covering the tattoo over his heart. My name—Casey Maeve—etched in his skin in delicate script. I’d told him it was crazy and supposedly bad luck, but he did it anyway. It was so unlike my cautious and conservative Lucas. But I loved it.

  “Of course I’ll never leave. You know that,” he says tenderly.

  I trace the black ink with my fingertip and watch the goosebumps surface around it. “That’s not what I mean, Luc.”

  “Then what do you mean?”

  I feel silly now, but I need to say it. To make this nagging thought go away. “Just promise me you’ll be careful. Every day, whatever you do, wherever you go. Because if anything ever happened to you…”

  My throat closes before I can finish, but I can see it in his face that he knows exactly what I’m trying to say.

  Lucas props himself up on his elbow and looms over me. “Nothing is
ever going to happen to me, Casey.”

  He leans down and kisses me and I believe him. My heart is full. The pain is gone. Life is once again as it should be.

  ∞∞∞

  When my eyes open again, I’m lying on my back. I stare up at the ceiling, holding my breath.

  I don’t see the crack in the plaster.

  But maybe the crack had been a dream once, just like the horror I’d thought was my new reality. And this is still our bed. If I reach out to my right, Lucas will be there, sleeping peacefully. I’ve always loved watching him sleep—the way his lips pout and his long eyelashes bow toward his perfect cheeks.

  My eyes are betraying me, emitting tears that slide back across my temples and into my hair, fracturing the hope I’m fighting desperately to hold onto. My stiff chest buckles and I suck in a deep breath.

  This isn’t our bed. That’s not our ceiling.

  Finally, I turn my head to the right, aching to see Lucas there. But there’s only the desolate plane of undisturbed mattress, and the lonely pillow where his beautiful head should be.

  No.

  I sit up, scanning the bedroom, hyperventilating.

  This was supposed to be the bad dream. I’m not supposed to wake up here. I was with Lucas this morning, I had to be. It felt so real. It was real. Because this can’t be. I can’t live without Lucas. He’s not gone. I have to find him.

  I propel myself out of the bed and into the hallway. I stop to peer into the empty bathroom before I scramble toward the staircase. I can picture Lucas sitting on the couch with his coffee. Or maybe he’s in the kitchen attempting yet again to make me breakfast without burning it.

  But why would we be here at Victoria’s? I disregard the glaring inconsistencies; I need this to be right.

  I nearly stumble down the stairs, eager to get to Lucas. I have to see him. I need to hold him, feel him, kiss him. When I get to the bottom, Victoria is heading toward the front door. She freezes when she notices me. She looks afraid.

  “Casey.” It sounds like a warning.

  I follow her glance to the front window and I see him.